Divorce Breaks You to Unbreak You
The worst heartbreak
isn’t from Him,
It’s from the friends
who introduced me to him,
Because we’ve gone from
blooming petals, an indestructible army of steel,
to one flower they forgot to pollinate,
and that flower is me.
I’m exiled,
Excluded in an included mask of disguise.
It’s like they’re standing in the rain,
complaining about the selfish cold
snowflakes of my face,
but never get out a raincoat,
or umbrella.
They don’t even try.
They’re the same window.
I’ve already jumped out of mine
and they didn’t even catch me,
Because apparently a dozen years
never happened;
They let go.
Friends are masters at ghosting,
because you literally become a ghost,
your text messages
being sent to an alternate dimension
where you send them
and they scroll past them,
dropping you
off the roller coaster
halfway through,
Spiraling to the ground,
The flying adrenaline rush
Soothing until the drop,
when you finally feel the weight
of the ghost figure they’ve already
turned you into,
your bones have been crushed.
I try to conform,
become someone I’m not
so they’ll accept me;
I’m wearing my clothes inside-out,
Going to sleep upside-down,
My feet resting on the pillows
we used to throw at each other.
I’m sick of hanging onto the one solid
convo we had two years ago,
Sick of waking up to 100 messages
after going to sleep to 0,
Sick of me being the movie
Awaiting a review by Rotten Tomatoes,
While the rest of you sit comfy in
the red judges chairs,
the only positions guaranteed to not
get evicted.
You don’t know I feel this way,
Maybe you just don’t like hanging out,
Or maybe it’s just me;
Do you want to hang out with me?
I’m sorry,
I’m trying,
you’re all I have,
and I need something.
I need a rage room to rant
my thoughts to,
need people to give me advice;
I can’t take the road less traveled
If you’re only giving me one road.
Guys come and go,
but you’re supposed to stay,
Lie to my face and tell me it’ll be okay.
Please.
You’re gold, and
I’m the cave
you leave behind once you win the
lottery.
It’s not me, it’s you,
how is that for a page-turner?
No I don’t mean that,
my legs just can’t fall down the stairs anymore.
Who knew saying goodbye to friends
would hurt more
than when He took his ring back
and took an evening train
to Outer Space just to
get away from me?
It’s cancer, and
you are the chemotherapy
drowning my lungs, taking
away my hair,
making me puke up what’s left of me,
Slowly.
You’re all great together,
But I need what you have,
I need a different window.
It’s parasitism,
Untoxically toxic,
We’re both the hosts.
I signed the papers
in pencil,
and it felt kinda good.
He's The Sun
I’m falling in love again,
but I’m more scared than happy;
I built a shield around my heart
just like the cage
my soul has been hiding in,
But I lost the cage
Because now my identity
is how He sees me.
A recipe for a weapon of mass destruction,
Killing me so many times
that they can’t find a single piece of me,
just a lock of hair
found in between the orange cones
and red and blue lights
parked outside my house,
And it turns out it was His,
His hair that got caught in my jacket
when we were slow-dancing
in the refrigerator glow
in my kitchen;
I’m a star
But He’s the sun,
Someone I worship instead of
worship with.
It’s all in my head,
He doesn’t text all day,
and my mind thinks about
a hotel hookup
with me sitting in the car outside
Alone.
I need validation,
It’s the only way to stop my
red vines of poison envied
heartbreak from infecting my whole body.
It’s the honeymoon phase:
Late-night kisses and empty promises
soon to be turned into bullets
I’ll be too sensitive to dodge;
It almost killed me last time.
I feel like a pencil,
it takes two seconds for Him to erase me.
I’m the Queen of overthinking,
And He’s the King of everything.
It’s why I throw my phone away,
the cracks in the screen,
making me see-through,
delicate,
vulnerable,
So I have to be on my own
And with him.
Make it so we’re both suns:
He’s the summer and spring sun,
I’m the autumn and winter one,
And we have to rotate together.
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Water is Thicker Than Blood
Before my sister went missing, she was the favorite,
And I was invisible.
Little did I know to be visible
All I had to do was become a scapegoat,
Someone they could blame
For taking away their ONLY daughter.
Sometimes I wonder why they didn’t kick me out?
They were like their own three person family,
And I was like the guest in my own house;
And now that she’s gone,
I’m an imposter,
Someone who broke in.
I miss my sister,
But they don’t know that,
They don’t know that because
they never ask how I feel,
never ask about my hobbies or interests . . .
My own dad talks to me about my sister
Because he literally can’t think of
ANYTHING else to talk about;
How sad is that . . .
For me,
Because it clearly doesn’t bother them.
I’m supposed to be having relationship issues
With friends and boyfriends.
Not family issues,
They’re blood,
It should be easy,
Simple,
Not like this.
How is it that a stranger I small-talked with for thirty seconds
Knows me better than my own flesh and bones?
Tell me, how?
I have a 4.0 gpa but I can’t answer that question.
Does this mean if I ever go missing,
They won’t go looking for me?
WRONG.
The same people who put up missing posters when our cat ran away,
won’t even realize I’m missing in the first place.
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you haven't changed
​
You haven’t changed
Because the girl you’re with now
Is the girl I was when I met you.
You took me on one date,
Ended it with asking me to be yours,
And I was your blanket to cover
The parts of you
You didn’t want to be with alone.
And I let you
Because I didn’t know how to stand up for myself yet,
I didn’t know what I deserved yet.
I wish I hadn’t known you yet.
I hope that girl gets to where I did.
Me leaving you was
Me choosing myself for the first time.
And you haven’t changed
Because you asked me out the day before you met her.
You told me she was a last-minute thing
When what you really meant is she simply showed up first,
She showed up before I could say no to you;
She’s a placeholder,
A place holder that girls will continuously fill
Until you get over your fear of reflective glass.
Every day I feel guilty
That I took more from you than you took from me.
You changed me,
But I wasn’t able to change you,
And I’m sorry for that.
And I would be sorry for the girl you’re with now too
But I’m not
Because I know you’ll change her too
And she’ll leave the you that you are now.
I’m more sorry for you.
But I’m excited for the you you’ll become.
I’m sorry but it was different for me.
I already did work on my own before I dated you.
I did the practice; you were the big game
But you’re out in the game before any practice,
That’s why no girl will change you
Right now.
You only look at your skin when it’s kissed.
What does it look like when it’s not?
I think you’ll be surprised to find it’s actually warmer
south of female lips.
The day before you went out with the new girl,
You offered me gas money if I would come.
Did you tell her that?
Like I said,
You haven’t changed.