I read on my phone that 19 little kids died at an elementary school in Texas because an 18 year old less than a decade older than them chose to shoot them, and I feel nothing. When I read about the one in Connecticut years ago, I cried my eyes out and I wanted to punch something for the first time in my life, but this time, my eyes have turned into a desert.

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A lot of times I read firsthand experiences that are so horrific, things like a little girl playing dead like the freaking possum did in Ice Age; how is it that a little kids' show meant for simple entertainment now means the difference between living and dying? Relieving meets horrifying when you read that a little girl’s green shoes were the only things that could identify her. Now something so innocent like someone having a favorite color has dark undertones.

 

I hear those first-person stories a lot, I’ve read novels that take people through what it’s like to be in the school. But the stories I never hear about are what my first-person story would be. I never hear the stories about the people who are receiving this news without ever having experienced it. No stories about the zombie-like anxiety that keeps parents up at night and that makes couples who have longed for children all their life have to re-think their decision. What about those stories?

 

I am an assemblage of all those stories. The anxious ones. The guilty ones. Heck. I feel lucky that I somehow made it through high school alive. Like I deserve a diploma for graduating and one for living too. The new hashtag won’t be “I survived teen pregnancy,” it’ll be “I survived school shootings.”

 

That can’t be a thing where high school is the Hunger Games; I guess it’s true dystopian novels really do call society out because while kids aren’t fighting in an arena, they’re still dying like they are. And it’s another kid killing them just like in the games.

 

I think maybe that’s why I feel nothing. Is that it’s become such a common thing that school shootings have become a normal thing in my brain. And when something becomes normal to my brain it becomes boring. And human people dying, does that sound like something that should ever be considered boring? Trust me, I don’t want to admit it, but it’s something I know others have pointed out to me as well. I’m not the only numb one out here. All the articles are the exact same. Maybe change the ages and places and death toll, but other than that, identical!

 

This time it’s different though. I’m aware of my numbness and I want to jump into a huge body of water and turn into an ocean instead of a desert. When you get shot in the arms and legs, they can heal easier, you can get amputations. This time I feel like I got hit in the heart.

 

I’m not a political person. The closest people to me in my life are conservative and liberal. People think I’m crazy when I tell them I get along with anyone no matter their beliefs. They look at me like I’m a superhero or something.

 

Innocent children getting killed should not be a political issue. It’s simply unacceptable. The difference between my argument and others is that I don’t lean one way so that means everyone has to listen to me; no one can judge me for my political affiliation and have a reason not to at least hear what I have to say. I’m speaking one-hundred percent neutrally.

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I’m just an empathetic person who cries in sad movies, who feels like the world is now its own sad movie. I’m balling like I was in The Titanic. If we can get that upset over people dying in that movie, then why aren’t we upset enough with people dying right now in all of these shootings?  

 

I’m not against the second amendment. I’m against murder.

 

And I’ve done it my whole life, I’ve respected both sides and been able to find commonalities. Everyone has different opinions. There are liberals and conservatives who can agree on things. Maybe not everything. But since we’re all humans, I find it hard to believe we can’t agree on saving lives.

 

I just want to feel something again. I’m not getting into any specific plans on what to do because let’s be honest, there is no simple solution. This doesn’t go away overnight. And I’m speaking from the heart, not from politics.

 

I think a lot of people are numb like me. A lot of people have dry eyes when they watch the news, and I think that’s why we’re so divided in this issue and many others. Even my words right now could be going to your head instead of your heart. My words may be pointless, or they may be the opposite. I’m only one person. I like to think there are more people out there like me. Instead of debating whether we’re pro-choice or pro-life, why don’t we brag about how we’re all pro-people?

 

Like I said, this may feel like a movie. If you’re anything like me, I see the news and feel bad but have a thought in the back of my mind questioning that this could ever happen to me. But it isn’t a movie. I promise there are families who lost a kid who were the ones thinking it couldn’t happen to them. This isn’t a movie where the ending is whatever us writers want it to be. This is life, and we don’t have control over everything.        

 

So my solution, if you can even call it that, is just two words.

 

Love everyone.

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