How My Second Writer's Conference Went

On Saturday, May 3rd, I attended my second ever in-person Writer's Conference. It was a good experience overall and definitely a better experience than my first one in Chicago. This one took place at the Somerset Inn in Troy, Michigan, a lovely location.

Everything was on the ground floor which was great for a directionally challenged person like me. I had no problem finding the registration and all the workshop rooms. The pitching room was right across from the registration table, which was convenient. It was a miracle. It was the first time in my life where I went someplace for the first time and didn't get lost once.

Shortly after I got there, I had a pitch at 9:30 AM with Bonnie Swanson. She was super kind and I appreciated the questions she gave me after I pitched to her, as they helped me think about ways to better pitch my book. She got me thinking about things I hadn't thought about prior. She also helped explain more about what a literary agent does. She did give me her Query Manager, which was a great start to the day. Part of me was worried the pitch would go as bad as my first pitch at the Chicago conference (see my blog on that one) and that it would ruin the rest of my day. But I did it!

I improved significantly in my delivery. Practicing more for the pitch helped tremendously. I slowed down to introduce myself, and I didn't rush it this time. I got passionate about what I was talking about and gave her the statistics I had researched. I was good on timing too which was great.

As I came out of my pitch though, I still felt this imposter syndrome, telling me that she only gave me her card because she gave everyone her card and that there was no way she was actually interested. This imposter syndrome got even worse after my pitch with Sarah Fisk. She was seriously one of the sweetest agents I have ever had the pleasure of meeting in person. She was a great listener and very kind in helping me with my comp titles and answering my questions that I had about pitching mental health. She did share the sad news with me that mental health that I write isn't selling right now and that I'm fighting a hard battle. She was super nice, but I left that pitch feeling yet again like my work would never fit the market.

There's something about the environments of conferences that I really struggle with. I felt very down after my last one as well. After thinking on it, I think it has to do with the writing industry being very money and sales focused. I understand why it is that way. But for me, my sole motivation for writing is to get good messages into the market. I don't care if I make money or not. I just want to help as many readers as possible. I hate having to think like an agent and think about the money side. I personally feel the world could really use destigmatizing mental health right now, and it breaks my heart that I now have to go even longer without being able to get my work out there for the youth who I feel could benefit from it.

I'm just so passionate and I get so discouraged every time I go to an agent panel and only hear them talk about sales and money. They said in a panel that I attended to never write to the trends, to write what you were called to write. And I do that. I've done that for ten novels. I'm 23 and I've been pitching since I was in junior high with multiple novels and not a single agent has even considered working with me. It's discouraging. One of the agents said she requests about 2% of what comes into her inbox.

It's not that I feel like a bad writer, but I have this huge worry that I'm not going to be able to sell my writing. But then there's a fear if I do self-publish, then my chances of traditionally publishing are gone. If I self-publish, I don't have a readership yet to buy my books. It feels like a double-edged sword. The agents also talked about how publishers have control over covers and titles, and I'm also worried that my mental health story will be changed in order to get a greater profit, that the heart of the story that makes it what it is will be taken. And that terrifies me.

Publishing scares me.

The workshops were great and I learned so much and met so many amazing writers, but by the end when Brian (who was so amazing with putting on this event and so engaging with his natural sense of humor), when he said that he was rooting for all of us to one day be able to have that moment when we hold our book on the bookshelf at Barnes and Noble, I couldn't see that moment for myself. I couldn't see a future where my book is on a shelf by the time the conference came to a close. He had more belief in me than I had in myself, and I felt that the whole car ride home.

I will never ever ever give up writing. It's not possible. I've tried it before, but I love it too much. But as for giving up on querying? I'm not sure.

For right now, I'm going to take a break. I'm going to read over and finalize my ten novels. I'm going to get Publisher's Marketplace and watch sales every day as I write my eleventh novel. And as soon as I see sales go up for something that may resemble my book, I'm going to jump for it.

Sometimes I find it hard to always be comparing myself to other writers, when that's what I like about my writing, is that it's different.

I just pray and hope that one day I can find an agent who is just as excited about my work as I am, that cares just as much about mental health as I do.

I wish real life was like paper and I could just write up my own happy ending right now. I wish I was a fictional character and that all I needed was a keyboard to write me up an agent. But the truth is none of us can be writers for our lives all the time; we can be writers for parts of it, but we have to be readers for other parts.

I do believe my agent is out there, somewhere. Maybe they aren't an agent quite yet. But they're out there somewhere.

And when they call me to tell me my book is on a bookshelf, I look forward to the moment they tell me they told me so.

I look forward to being able to reach out to Brian and tell him he was right, and that I was wrong.

Maybe that day is just in my imagination. Maybe it never really will come.

Or maybe it will.