Am I Doing Enough
Trigger Warning: There are mentions of heavy, sensitive topics such as child abuse, specifically sexual abuse.
The first week of the new semester just ended, and while I technically did survive, it doesn’t feel like it. The only way I’m able to live my life is knowing that I’m making progress and that I’m on my way to making the world a better place. It sounds so cliché, but it’s true. This week I went backwards though, as I saw the unfairness of the world firsthand; despite my best efforts, there are simply some things that I have no control over. There are certain things and people you can’t help. And also, when you’re me and you’re thinking big-scale, one person can’t end all racism, one person can’t end all homophobia, one person can’t stop all child molesters. It’s so hard to notice changes you make that are super small. It seems sort of like small molecules in science, except there’s no microscope that exists for me to see the changes I’m making. Attitudes and ways of thinking and levels of empathy, they’re all things that I can’t see. I can do self-reports and I can do questionnaires and ask people but a lot of times it’s very inaccurate. There’s no way to really know the impact I’m making, and that’s hard to cope with.
When I talk about stress in the new semester, I’m not just talking about having to read a million different readings and articles and getting behind. What I’m talking about goes beyond grades and school. I’m not going to school just to learn. I’m going in order to apply my learning to the act of helping people. It’s something lectures and books can’t teach you. I study psychology and writing, the former of which my goal is to help people directly and the latter of which my goal is to help people through words. This week I found out I have to help report a situation to CPS due to sexual abuse. I can’t reveal any specifics due to confidentiality, and I think that’s maybe why it’s so hard. I do need to make sure it is clear that it has been reported.
I can’t rant about it to anyone except God and through writing. The situation is so overwhelmingly sad that I don’t even know how to react. I feel this insurmountable guilt because I got to grow up the way I did, undeservingly. A kid doesn’t get to choose where they start life, so that kid I’m trying to save could’ve been me. While they’ve been suffering for years and years, how is it okay that I’ve just been at home in the comfort of my bed and family (who didn’t neglect me) deciding which show to watch? I know I’m glossing over a lot of my conflicts because everyone has them, but I’ve never been sexually abused. Obviously being bullied sucks, and feeling misunderstood by my family sometimes sucks, and getting my writing rejected a lot sucks, but I haven’t been brainwashed and abused my whole life. Socialization and self-actualization haven’t been taken away from me. I have a sense of morality and an intelligence that the girl who’s being abused could have if it weren’t for her awful parent.
And what’s gotten me so stressed is the fact that even though we filed a CPS report, we might not save her. In fact, it might make her situation worse. Real life is so hard to understand sometimes because you’d think sexual abuse would be something that would have to be punished no matter what. You’d think you wouldn’t need to prove that. If a child is being hurt, they should immediately be taken out of that situation. But sadly that’s not how the world works. For years and years, I was upset over the fact romances painted a false happy ending; I only payed attention to the romance endings because that was all I cared about. I already had the happy family endings and beginnings. You desire what you don’t have, so I desired Prince Charming because I already had a family who loved me. There’s kids that simply see the Seven Dwarfs and Flounder and Lumiere and all the Disney sidekicks as the false happy ending because not everyone gets that.
I'm not bringing this up to say I hate the world because I don’t. I'm bringing it up because it needs to be addressed. Sadly it happens every day and something needs to make it stop. The world has a lot of work to do, and it won't do it on its own.
What has happened to this innocent girl is horrific and it makes me sick to my stomach, it makes me feel powerless. But then I take time to think about it and how I can't change it. All I have control over is doing something about it the best I can now. Even though this week sucked and, again, I feel powerless, I know that next week I’ll do something that will make me feel like I’ve done something good. It’s in negative times like the one my brain is in right now that I like to go back and think about the little impacts I’ve made. I’ve had readers tell me my writing saved their life, for example, I’ve had suicidal callers tell me thank you, and I remember those things.
So that leaves just one question for you: what impacts have you already made (this applies to everyone)? What can you do today? Feeling bad is human and normal, but it's what comes after that makes the difference. What are you going to do right now?
If you have been a victim (or survivor, however you would like to identity) of child abuse/sexual abuse or if you know someone who has, please see this link for resources:
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