First Week of Classes, One Breakdown Cry, And I'm Alive

I go to Michigan State University, and our first week of classes is this week. Let's just say it's been a rollercoaster. I was getting so much work to do but I had no time to do it. I'm a big planner and organizer, so when things aren't figured out yet and thrown all over the place, it kind of messes me up. One of my professors doesn't have any due dates for anything, and I'm not going to lie, it is driving me nuts. Plus I have this feeling like she doesn't like me already even though the only thing she's heard is me introducing myself. I think what has me so overwhelmed is I have so many commitments this year. It's my senior year, my final year!

I'm even purposefully writing this blog in rant form to show you all how disorganized my mind is right now haha.

I'm working, I have a UA position, I have 2 E-Board positions, I have friends I need to have fun with and who I need to make a priority (I've been attending NA meetings to support one of my best friends), I have my running and writing to focus on, and the list goes on and on. This week I essentially just showed up to all of these things but had no time to do anything other than show up. All the work piled on me and I wasn't able to run or write all week. Running and writing are what I do to escape, and because I wasn't getting any self-care, that's why I was getting so stressed.

On top of everything, I had a car mishap, I had my ex reach out to me and tell me he wanted to get back together then told me he found someone else last minute, and my work was draining all my social battery. I work with adults with mental health, with members of a clubhouse, and it was the week of camping. I love that my job felt like a vacation with just caring about people, but it also got overwhelming because of everything else going on. The ex situation wasn't even something I cared about, but it was the cherry on top that made me breakdown. I broke up with him and I didn't care that he was dating someone new because I already knew I deserved better, but him reaching out was just enough to wake me up and make me realize I needed a good cry. I needed to make time for myself.

So that's what I did. I cried it all out. It's the reason why I'm writing about my week. It's not just to rant. I know every other college student probably has their own rants too. I wanted to make this about self-care and how important it is. I got so stressed and down on myself that for a second I couldn't see through any of it. I was at a brick wall. After I cried though, I was reminded that stress is temporary. Mental health has a stigma. Crying has a stigma. Everyone, no matter who they are, needs to cry. We're all human, and we truly do need to feel our feelings. When they bottle up, you break down. We're taught all the time not to exercise too much because our physical bodies will shut down. Well the same goes for our minds. We just don't realize it because not enough people are talking about mental health. It's just important as anything physical.

After I got it all out of my system, I was able to breathe. I took some time for myself and I was able to see not with emotion, but with identity. I wished my ex the best and kept it positive because I am happy for him even though he wasn't the nicest about it. I reminded myself of the good things that had also happened. I got a bonus for work and I also was told by my teacher I did a good job teaching the class I'm a UA in. Those things felt good. And it's crazy but I completely forgot about them. Because I was stressed, I completely erased the good things from my mind.

I've come to learn a lot about myself. I know that for me personally when things go out of routine or when I work too much without doing something for me, I know I get negative. That's why I knew this time to let myself cry it out. I think it's so important to know how you cope and to know what to do when you're feeling like I was. It's so easy to confuse temporary for permanent when you aren't even allowing your mind the clarity to see things freshly or to see things from an outside multifaceted point of view.

We hear all the time about how we need to be training at the gym, but why don't we ever hear about needing to train in emotion regulation?