It's Almost My 21st

I know I'm young and that I should be excited for the big 21, but last night was rough and it had me rethinking all my life choices and all of a sudden 21 feels old. Okay, maybe old isn't the right term for it. I promise I don't mean to offend anyone older than me. Think of it as a hyperbole, don't take me seriously.

I think what's making it so hard is Thanksgiving is this week and part of me feels guilty for complaining. I feel like I'm being selfish for wanting more for myself. To paint you a clearer picture of what exactly has been causing this internal conflict in me, this is where I thought I'd be at 21:

I thought I'd be in a long-term relationship (not married yet), published and touring all over the world while giving speeches about body image and mental health, and with my friends for life.

I love my friends dearly, but I'm a human and that means it's never enough. All my life, I've been trying to prove I'm enough in every aspect, and I'm still like that. I want deeper friendships. I seem to be really good at finding acquaintances, but long story short, last night was a social event with an organization I'm involved in. Nobody there seemed to want to get to know me beyond surface-level and it honestly hurt. It hurt that I wanted to be friends with these people and they didn't want that in return. It made me second-guess if I was intimating or too driven or too me, until I got up this morning, went for a run, and realized how toxic it sounded to say that out loud. It doesn't feel good to feel like everyone is close in the room except for you. I felt invisible, underestimated, neglected by the people I thought liked me.

I guess it hurts to have all these awesome learning experiences and experiences in general with learning how to be a literary agent while being an advocate while volunteering and doing school and doing all this amazing life-changing stuff and not being able to share it with other people. I assumed people would like the parts of me that I loved, but I was wrong. Unreciprocated friendships sting more than unreciprocated romantic relationships; at least if it's a romantic rejection you know it's probably because of attractiveness. When peers reject your friendship, it feels like they're rejecting who you stand for, your personality and goals and values, the parts of you that matter the most to you. And that hurts.

So that's been on my mind. I thought at 21 I would be beyond high school and be able to genuinely connect with people. I feel like I'm getting closer, but my impatience has also been whispering in my ear an awful lot.

Then there's the career part. I desperately want to get my books out in the world so readers can read them and know they aren't alone. I want to save lives with my words, and I can't do that without an audience. When my books are on my computer only for me to see, I'm not fulfilling my Purpose. I need to make a difference globally. I know every difference counts, but I'm ambitious and I want to be the voice for people that used to be me. What I do is obviously to help other people, but it's mostly to make the Old Me proud.

The younger I get published, the more time I have to save lives. That's the way I see it. I know 21 is young, but when I celebrate my birthday with my friends, I want something really awesome to celebrate. I don't feel like it's enough just to celebrate myself. I want to celebrate all the lives I've touched.

When I blow my candle out this year, I'm going to be a little selfish. I'm not going to wish for all these things I've mentioned today. I'm going to wish that soon I can be proud of the little victories because those matter too.