My Breakup

So I spent labor day weekend moping in bed and crying on and off for a guy that I know isn't right for me. Why write about anything different than the thing that's been on my mind the most this past week?

I broke up with my boyfriend because I realized he wasn't who I thought he was after he met my friends. I'd noticed some things he'd said that I didn't like and had subtly brought up before he met them, but those little things got way worse and way ruder when he was actually interacting with them.

For some reason, I thought he'd magically act nicer; I guess I thought that was a prerequisite to meeting friends. I'm an ambivert normally, but when I meet a boyfriend's family or friends, I turn into an introvert; I don't want to say something mean. Yet here my boyfriend was, and without meaning to, he hurt a lot of people's feelings.

Think of it like a book when you read it the first time. You miss so many things that were wrong with it. And you still love the book to death so those flaws don't make you not want to ever read it again. That's how I felt. But the more I analyzed it, the more things I started realizing. I realized that he didn't open up to me either or have any deep conversations with me. He hid his feelings and had very toxic ways of coping. He had a rough personal life and was letting it define him.

It's when I had to step back and leave even though we have so many good memories and even though I thought he was the one. It's hard because he was very good to me, and despite needing some self-growth, it was perfect.

Another thing I realized too is I still need self-growth. I need to be on my own and stop dating people back-to-back. I'll be honest. I'm fine being alone. The reason I force relationships is because I'm worried I'm running out of time to get married. And I'm twenty! Society has young people worried about love, and I think it's a sign we should ease the pressure on people a little bit. Or I should at least ease the pressure on myself.

So that's what I'm planning on doing. I always say I'm going to work on myself but then go back on a dating app. I need to stop.

As a writer, I like to think of actual people as characters. We can change in our own books, and right now I feel like I'm constantly in all these conflicts and haven't reached my climax yet.

I'm making myself all anxious for making a decision that was necessary to advance my plot. I go back and look at all these memories I won't have anymore, but also fail to see the bad memories that I'm glad I won't have anymore. Decisions are so underrated. Decisions are key to making progress and finding out who we are.

I just read "Hap" for my poetry class, the one by Thomas Hardy, and it's all about how life is random. I love that it's random. If I knew what decision to make all the time, then I wouldn't be able to grow.

I'm glad I made the decision.