My First Breakup is What Got Me Into Running

Trigger Warning: There are mentions of disordered eating habits.

A lot of people I know who are runners started off running track in high school. I'm a little bit of a different story. I didn't even think about running track back then. I didn't get into running until after high school. It wasn't until my first breakup with my first boyfriend that I got into it. I'm kind of glad I didn't do track competitively just because I know a few people who were trained so hard that their bodies can no longer tolerate running. I think running is best when you are your own coach. After all, it's an individual sport. It's good to have positive mentors, but it's up to you with how much you want to push yourself and how much you want to run.

For me, I only had experience running on a treadmill. I was never confident enough to run outside. Plus, in high school I was never running for the fun of it. I ran to lose weight. I was struggling with self-starvation and I would run with the sole purpose being to burn off all the calories I ate that day. It was not healthy at all, and I even have this horrible memory of crying on the treadmill, pushing my body to its literal breaking point. I wasn't trained at all, and I would still make myself run however long it took to burn however much I needed to. If I ate a dessert, I would have to burn it off right after. Strict exercise rules are a characteristic of disordered eating, and I had that. Please lookout for that and don't hesitate to reach out for help if you know someone struggling with that or if your'e struggling yourself. Running is meant to be a healthy thing, it's meant to be enjoyed, not abused.

That's why I don't count my high school running as running. It wasn't until the fall before I started college that I ran for the first time in my life. My first boyfriend was not a nice guy, and I'm going to leave it at that. He used the fact he knew he was my first to take advantage and get away with things he shouldn't have. He love bombed and talked about the future way too early, and I was so young and didn't know myself or boundaries yet, so I stayed for longer than I should've. I only recently adopted red flag goggles, and now I'm a master at identifying the flags. I didn't use to be. If I met a guy like him today, he wouldn't even make it past date 1, but my young self was so naive. I lied to my friends about how amazing he was, and then when they found out, they were more angry at me for not being honest. They would've kicked him out of my life for me had they known what he was like. Even though the breakup should've made me happy it was over and done with, I was very sad. It was my first and so it felt pretty awful.

I got up one morning, made a super awesome breakup playlist with songs like Stronger by Eminem and Fighter by Christina Aguilera, and I ran outside for the first time on my own accord. I ran outside the neighborhood of my house and it felt so good. I didn't feel pain while I was running. And after, the awesome feeling lasted because it felt so rewarding that I worked hard. It got my blood pumping and it got me moving and it was an accomplishment. It was a lot better than staying in bed all day. Running and a shower cured me, and so ever since, I've been running. I just finished a 10k and I have about a nine-minute mile which I'm proud of. It's taken a lot of time to get there. I run every week. It's a second hobby on top of writing that I do just for fun, and it keeps me content. It gives me another goal to work on. When I get up in the morning, getting some writing and running done makes me feel so good. It's all the dopamine I need. My end goal is to complete a marathon and travel doing it.

Also, it took a while for me to get comfortable running outside in a sports bra, but when I did, it did so much for my body image. It helped me feel even more confident in my own body. I still do struggle with body image, but I've turned what used to be my weapon into my biggest ally. Running is no longer working against me, it's working for me :)

What implosion can you turn into dynamite? Is it running or something else?

If you or someone you know is struggling with disordered eating or an eating disorder, call 988 or continue to contact Crisis Text Line by texting “NEDA” to 741741 to be connected with a trained volunteer at Crisis Text Line. Crisis Text Line is an organization staffed by volunteers who provide free, 24/7 support via text message to individuals who are struggling with mental health, including eating disorders, and are experiencing crisis situations.